To Understand You
by Starfire Eld
Summary: You were always walking away from me. I'll admit, I didn't really make you want to walk towards me. But please, come back. Come back. - After the death of Goku against Cell, Chichi tries to find a way to heal, a way to understand the man that left her behind.
1. You Were Supposed to Come Back

"_You just got back and the first thing you ask is if you can take my son and train for three years? Make him forget his studies for a full three years?"_

"_C-Chichi, that's not really exactly what I meant..."_

"_NO! I won't let you ruin our son's life like this! Gohan is staying here and continuing his studies! You are not to get him involved in these, these, these STREET FIGHTS anymore!"_

"_But Chichi, this isn't a street fight, this is more important than that –"_

"_No, no, NO!"_

Chichi could not take her eyes from the television. The laundry was getting rained on. But she couldn't look away. Her hand gripped at her chest. Gohan was screaming – pain, rage, terror. Oh God, why was he there? He was too young for this; why was he there?

Her lips moved in a prayer, over, and over, and over.

_Let him come home. Oh please, let him come home. Goku, don't you dare not let him come home._

And that – that smirk on Gohan's face. This wasn't her son. What had happened to him? What had he turned into?

_Goku, what did you do to Gohan?_

Cell was going to explode. The whole world was going to die. No, no, no, Gohan, why couldn't she have Gohan at her side now?

And Goku appeared. Gohan's mouth dropped open, his eyes opened wide. With the shaking, cracked camera, it was hard to see exactly what was going on. It was impossible to hear what Goku was saying.

But inexplicably, he seemed to look at the camera. Straight at her. He smiled. He gave a two fingered salute.

He and Cell disappeared.

Chichi's hands clapped over her mouth, trying to still the scream. Goku had vanished. He vanished with the monster about to explode. Where had he gone? He was coming back, right? She still had to yell at him for taking Gohan there. Where was he? He could teleport, why wasn't he coming back?

On camera, Gohan started screaming.

"_DAD! DAD!"_

She could hear him through the camera. It sounded like the battlefield had gone dead silent.

"_DAD! DAD!"_

"Goku, where are you? Where are you? Come back, please, please, please," Chichi whispered into her hands. "Oh God, don't do this to Gohan. Don't do this to me. Stop playing, Goku. These – these fights aren't games."

Goku wasn't coming back.

A scream ripped from her throat. She clapped her hands over her mouth again, staggering to her feet. She fell backwards, hit the wall. The camera feed went out, the camera finally dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Goku. Oh God.


	2. My Fault

She threw herself at Gohan, flinging her arms around him, trying to reassure herself that he was real, that he was here, in her arms, alive. He was shaking, and so was she, and so they both wobbled to the ground. His hair had gone back to black and straight. It was much longer than she remembered. She ran her fingers through it, and started to stroke his head as he sobbed into her chest.

"It's my fault! It's all my fault! I killed dad! I killed him!"

"It's not your fault, it's not," Chichi whispered. "It's not. You didn't do this."

"I shouldn't have been like that! I shouldn't have toyed with Cell! I'm – I'm an evil person! I made dad die!"

"Sh, sh, sh," Chichi said.

The tears were rolling down her cheeks too. They would bring him back, right? With the Dragon Balls? Goku would waltz back through the door, asking about dinner, looking embarrassed when Chichi yelled at him about how late it was.

Right?

No. He wasn't coming back. This time, he wasn't coming back.

She buried her face into Gohan's head and cried.


	3. Why Did You Insist On Leaving Me?

The house was so quiet. Well, it had always seemed quiet. Goku and Gohan had so rarely been there. But there had been a different feel to the house back then. A sense that things were used, a warmth.

Goku's seat at the dinner table felt cold to her touch. He hadn't sat in that seat for weeks now. Her bed felt cold, too big, without his heavy, snoring lump next to her. It seemed odd to make such small portions for dinner. It seemed strange that the door didn't open to reveal a sheepishly grinning Goku, covered in mud and bruises with an equally sheepish Gohan beside him.

Gohan's room was so quiet. He barely spoke anymore. Every time she walked into the room, he was bent over his books. He rarely looked up. He spoke in mumbles and grunts.

Chichi's hand tightened on the plate she was washing, and she cracked it by accident. She pulled her wrinkled hands from the water and stared at the damage she had done. The crack went all the way down the middle. It would probably fall apart once she let go of it. She set the plate aside, and it did separate into two pieces.

She didn't want to put her hands back into the water. She dried them on her skirt. She sat down at the table, in Goku's seat. It felt so much colder than the other seats. That was just her imagination, of course.

Her hands tightened on her skirt.

"Why?" she whispered. "Why did you always have to frolic off into battle? Why wasn't home more important to you?"

He had sacrificed himself for the entire Earth. Of course home was important to him. But why wasn't _this_ home important to him?

Her eyes wandered around the house, spotlessly clean. Deathly clean, as though no one actually lived here, only kept house for someone coming home someday. Her eyes caught on a large chest tucked in the corner. How long had it been since she had remembered that was there?

She stood up and walked to the chest. After fumbling with the lock for a moment, she pushed open the lid. Various storage pieces looked dustily out at her. She rummaged around. Extra dishes for company. Gohan's old toys. A broken Dragon Ball radar. Empty capsules. Oh!

She put both hands into the chest and carefully extracted the thing at the bottom. A helmet, with a long sharp crest across the top. She stared at it. A small smile tugged at her lips, a small tear prickled at her eye. It had been over a decade since she had seen this. How long had it been since she had worn it? She tried to put it on. It was too small for her head, now. So she continued to stare at it, instead.

She used to be so strong. Compared to other people, that is. She used to be able to take out monsters by herself. She started to smile remembering Goku's shocked face, in their first encounter. They all had been so strong, once: Yamcha, Krillin, Roshi, even Bulma used to be able to hold her own with her gadgets. But now...it was like the battles had moved on without them. They were strong. But not strong enough anymore.

Tears bubbled in Chichi's eyes. She rested her forehead against the helmet.

_Why couldn't I be strong enough for you?_


	4. I Loved Him Too Much

"Gohan? Sweetie?"

Chichi peeked around the door. Gohan didn't look up. The back of his head was dark, illuminated from a candle sitting on the desk. His hand moved robotically across the page. Chichi pushed the door open a little wider.

"Gohan? It's getting dark. You didn't have dinner yet."

Gohan still wouldn't look up. Chichi walked into the room, stepping gingerly as though sounds would break some kind of spell.

"It's past your bedtime, sweetie. You should sleep. You don't have to finish all that work tonight."

She placed a hand gently on his shoulder. He still wouldn't look up at her.

"Gohan..." she said.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're going to work yourself to death."

She pulled the pen from his hand gently. He simply reached for another one and started writing again.

"Gohan...I know, it's painful. Losing him was hard...but you can't be like this. I know how you're feeling –"

Gohan smacked her hand off his shoulder. The pen flew from her hand and clattered across the floor. Chichi took a step back as Gohan whipped his fiery eyes at her.

"Do you?" he said. "Do you really? Can you really stand there and say that it hurt you when he died? Can you?!"

"Gohan –"

"I never saw you do anything other than yell at dad! You were always shouting – you never listened to him – did you ever once smile or say something nice to dad? You never told him you loved him! You were just there to shout at him when he got home! YOU DIDN'T CARE ABOUT DAD AT ALL!"

Gohan hair flickered to a dazzling gold for a moment. It died instantly, but he still whipped around and kicked his desk, sending the whole thing tumbling over, books and papers flying in all directions.

Chichi held her hands to her mouth, frozen to the floor. _Oh, Gohan...Gohan..._

A tear rolled down her cheek.

"I...loved him too much..." she whispered.

Gohan didn't turn around to face her. His fists and shoulders were trembling.

"I could never let him know that, though," she said, her voice still quiet. "Because if he knew how much I loved him...he would know how terrified I was waiting for him. He would know that every time he got hurt, I felt it too. He would realize just how many times my heart felt like it was going to shatter because I was so, so scared that he wouldn't come home again."

Gohan trembled like a leaf now. Chichi took a slow step forward.

"If he knew that...if he knew that his fights hurt me too...how could he fight?"

Her own shoulders were shaking now. The tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"How – how could he protect the universe if he realized how much I loved him, how much I was afraid for him? How could he – how could he – go into battle knowing when he got hurt, I was hurt too? He was too kind, Gohan. Your father was so kind. If he knew how much it hurt me, he would have been too careful when he fought. He would have hesitated, afraid of hurting me. That's the kind of man your father was."

She placed her hands on Gohan's shaking shoulders, then slid them around so that she was hugging him.

"And I shouted...because I didn't know what else to do," she whispered. "I was so, so happy that he was alive, and he was here, but angry...that he had left me again."

Gohan gripped his mother's arms, not letting her let go of him.

"I shouted because I didn't know how else to tell him that I was so glad he was alive and with me again," she said. "And because I knew that I couldn't let him see how much it had hurt me to know that he was getting hurt."

Gohan sniffled loudly. Tears were rolling down his cheeks in waterfalls – but it was nothing compared to the tears that were running from Chichi's eyes.

The pair just stood there, for who knows how long, crying silently.


	5. I Will Try to Understand You

"Oh, hey, Chichi!"

Bulma smiled, surprised.

"What brings you all the way out to my neck of the woods? Where's Gohan?"

"Gohan wanted to look at some of the schools here," Chichi said. "I think he might want to transfer here in a few years."

"That's quite a commute, isn't it?"

"Not if you can fly as fast as Gohan."

Bulma laughed a little.

"Yeah, I guess so. So, you just stopped by for a visit?"

"I have been holed up for too long."

Bulma's smile faltered. She clasped her hands behind her back and rocked on her heels.

"So, uh...how are you...holding up?"

Chichi shook her head, pretending to smile.

"Oh. Well enough, I suppose. I guess I've seen Goku die so many times already, once more isn't too bad."

Bulma didn't look convinced. She continued to rock back and forth, looking as though she wanted to pat Chichi on the shoulder, but not sure if she was allowed to.

"Seeing him die and knowing he'll come back is different," she said. She half-smiled, but she looked a little teary herself. "I keep waking up everyday and forgetting he's gone."

Chichi nodded. But it was the opposite for her. She woke up everyday in a cold, empty bed, and felt Goku's death all over again.

"So, uh, can I do anything for you? You know, make you feel better? You want something to drink? I think my dad has some Scotch hidden in his office."

Chichi actually did smile this time, but it still felt painful.

"No, that's all right. I..."

Her eyes wandered across the Capsule Corporation grounds. It stopped on the giant round ship sitting between two buildings.

"Is...isn't that Goku's ship?"

Bulma followed Chichi's gaze.

"Oh, no, it's not," Bulma said. "It's a replica. We lost Goku's ship on Namek."

"R-right."

Namek seemed fresh in her brain as well. She doubted anyone had realized, but she head been able to hear King Kai too. She could hear him talking to Goku, even if she couldn't hear Goku. She could sense the growing fear in the Kai's voice as he tried to direct Goku to a ship. The silence of a planet exploding in the back of her mind, and hearing King Kai say, _"It's over."_ So many times, Goku had worried her.

"Could I...look inside?"

"Sure."

Bulma seemed to understand. The two women walked across the grass to the looming ship. Bulma keyed in a code and the door opened.

The inside was quiet. Nothing moved, or blinked. There wasn't any dust either.

"Vegeta's been using the gravity chamber," Bulma said. "That's the only real reason we're keeping this lump around."

Chichi walked across the to control board. She ran her finger lightly across the buttons without pressing them. Goku had once stood in a place like this. Alone for three full days. He hadn't told her he was leaving the hospital. She had come in with a basket of fried chicken for him and been told by the doctors that he had jumped out the window and disappeared. The next time she heard from him was a full year later.

_Why did you always insist on leaving me?_

"I think my dad's calling me," Bulma said quickly. "Do you want to stay here for a little bit?"

"Yes, thank you."

Bulma nodded and hurried outside. Chichi doubted Bulma had heard anything at all. But she was grateful to her friend for letting her have a few moments.

Her fingers reached the gravity controls. Goku had spent three days training in one hundred times gravity. She smiled.

"Oh, Goku," she whispered. "Always pushing yourself so hard."

But the smile fell away, and the tears began again. She nearly slumped to her knees. Her hand came up to her face, trying to hide the tears – from who, though? No one was here to see.

"Damn you, Goku," she whispered. "You were always leaving! Didn't you see? Didn't you see what you were leaving?"

She dropped her hand from her eyes. She stared around at the ship.

_Why?_ She thought. _What was so important about this? What was so important about fighting? Why can't I understand?_

She looked down at the gravity controls, where her hand still rested.

She pressed on.

The little screen flickered on to 10G. She felt the difference instantly. It was like the air had been shoved out of her lungs. She gasped, but it was suddenly harder to breathe. Her legs gave out and she dropped to her knees. Her hand was still on the gravity controls, but it felt pasted on there. She couldn't lift it if she tried. Her other hand felt glued to the ground – her knees too. The pumping of her heart tried to speed up, but it was like her blood had gotten heavier too, and each heartbeat was a terrible, difficult flutter.

The off button was just below the on button. She managed to slide her hand downward and press down.

The gravity let off. Air rushed gratefully into her lungs. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off of her. Her heart jumped up to a too-fast rate, as if to make up for the difference. She just knelt there for a moment, breathing in and out. She had never noticed how beautiful breathing was.

After a few moments to catch her breath, she managed to stand up. Although she felt shaky, she also felt incredibly light. She almost felt that she could float when she walked, without using her chi to fly.

"Oh," she whispered, touching her mouth.

This feeling...it was nice. She felt...a little, tiny bit stronger. And she liked the feeling.

She looked at the gravity controls again. She glanced out the open door. There was no sign of Bulma.

Chichi turned her gaze back to the gravity controls. She reached tentatively toward them.

_What was it about this that made you so happy, Goku?_ She wondered.

She touched the control gently.

_I want to find out._


End file.
